Todays Joke Thread....

And never had a natural orgasm...sounds like my ex.

 

Haha

 

or kids :D good or bad? :p

 

A guy is sitting in the bar in departures at a busy airport. A beautiful woman walks in and sits down at the table next to him.

He decides because she has a uniform on, she's probably an off-duty
flight attendant.

So he decides to have a go at picking her up by identifying the
airline she flies for, thereby impressing her greatly.

He leans across to her and says the Delta Airlines motto 'We love to
fly and it shows'.

The woman looks at him blankly.

He sits back and thinks up another line.

He leans forward again and delivers the Air France motto 'Winning the
hearts of the world'.

Again she just stares at him with a slightly puzzled look on her face.

Undeterred, he tries again, this time
saying the Malaysian Airlines
motto 'Going beyond expectations'.

The woman looks at him sternly and says 'What the feck do you want?'

'Ah!' he says, sitting back with a smile on his face.
'Ryanair'.

 

Haha Mike, nice one :D

 

"I like rice. Rice is great if you're hungry and want 2000 of something."
Mitch Hedberg

 

A couple lived near the ocean and used to walk the beach a lot. One summer they noticed a girl who was at the beach almost every day. She wasn't unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one thing; she w ould approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance around and then speak to them.

Generally, the people would respond negatively and she would wander off. But occasionally someone would nod and there would be a quick exchange of money and something that she carried in her bag.

The couple assumed that she was selling drugs and debated calling the cops, but since they didn't know
for sure, they decided to just continue watching her.

After a couple of weeks the wife said, 'Honey, have you ever noticed that she only goes up to people with boom boxes and other electronic devices?' He hadn't and said so.

Then she said, 'Tomorrow I want you to get a towel and our big radio and go lie out on the beach. Then we can find out what she's really doing.'

Well, the plan went off without a hitch and the wife was almost hopping up and down with anticipation when she saw the girl talk to her husband and then leave.. The man then walked up the beach and met his wife at the road.

'Well, is she selling drugs?' she asked excitedly. 'No, she's not,' he said, enjoying this probably more
than he should have.

'Well, what is it then? What does she do ?' his wife fairly shrieked.

The man grinned and said, 'She's a battery salesperson.'

'Batteries?' cried the wife..

'Yes!' he replied.
!
!
!
!
!
!
!
!
!
!
!
!
!
!

'She Sells C Cells by the Seashore!'

 

http://www.alwayswow.com/Ikea%20Job%20Interview.jpg

 

LIke them Mike :D

Found this while doing one of my 'googles'



BAKE OR BED

A HUSBAND IS AT HOME WATCHING A
FOOTBALL GAME WHEN HIS WIFE INTERRUPTS,

HONEY,
COULD YOU FIX THE LIGHT IN THE HALLWAY?
IT'S BEEN FLICKERING FOR WEEKS NOW.
HE LOOKS AT HER AND SAYS ANGRILY,
FIX THE LIGHTS NOW?
DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE
SCOTTISH POWER WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO.

FINE, THEN THE WIFE ASKS,
WELL THEN, COULD YOU FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR?
IT WON'T CLOSE RIGHT
TO WHICH HE REPLIED,
FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR?
DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE ELECTROLUX
WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO

FINE, SHE SAYS
THEN YOU COULD AT LEAST FIX THE STEPS
TO THE FRONT DOOR?
THEY ARE ABOUT TO BREAK
I'M NOT A CARPENTER AND I DON'T
WANT TO FIX STEPS
HE SAYS, DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE
REDROW WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO
I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOU.
I'M GOING TO THE PUB!!!!

SO HE GOES TO THE PUB AND DRINKS FOR A
COUPLE OF HOURS...............................

HE STARTS TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT HOW
HE TREATED HIS WIFE, AND DECIDES
TO GO HOME
AS HE WALKS INTO THE HOUSE HE NOTICES
THAT THE STEPS ARE ALREADY FIXED.
AS HE ENTERS THE HOUSE , HE SEES THE
HALL LIGHT IS WORKING
AS HE GOES TO GET A BEER, HE NOTICES
THE FRIDGE DOOR IS FIXED.

HONEY, HE ASKS, HOW'D ALL THIS GET FIXED?
SHE SAID, WELL, WHEN YOU LEFT I SAT
OUTSIDE AND CRIED.

JUST THEN A NICE YOUNG MAN ASKED ME
WHAT WAS WRONG, AND I TOLD HIM.
HE OFFERED TO DO ALL THE REPAIRS, AND
ALL I HAD TO DO WAS EITHER
GO TO BED WITH HIM OR BAKE A CAKE.

HE SAID,
SO WHAT KIND OF CAKE DID YOU BAKE?

SHE REPLIED,
HELLOOOOO..
DO YOU SEE MR KIPLING WRITTEN
ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO!

 

:D this one made me laugh more than it should

 

Comprehending Accountants - Take One

Two accountancy students were walking across campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second accountant replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want." The first accountant nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't fit."

Comprehending Accountants - Take Two

An architect, an artist and an accountant were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress. The architect said He enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship.

The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, Because of the passion and mystery he found there. The accountant said, "I like both." "Both?" The accountant replied "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and You can go to the office and get some work done."

Comprehending Accountants - Take Three

To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass Is half empty. To the accountant, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

Comprehending Accountants - Take Four

An Accountant and His Frog

An accountant was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to Him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess". He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again And said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I Will stay with you for one week". The accountant took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then Cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with You and do ANYTHING you want." Again the accountant took the frog out, Smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What Is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay With you and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The accountant said, "Look I'm an accountant. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a Talking frog, now that's cool." ;

Comprehending Accountants - Take Five

A businessman was interviewing applicants for the position of Divisional Manager. He devised a simple test to select the most suitable person for the job. He asked each applicant the question, "What is two and two"? The first interviewee was a journalist. His answer was "twenty-two."

The Second applicant was an engineer. He pulled out a calculator and showed the Answer to be between 3.999999 and 4.000001. The next person was a lawyer. He stated that in the case of Jenkins v. Commr of Stamp Duties (Qld), two And two was proven to be four. The last applicant was an accountant. The business man asked him, "How much is two and two?" The accountant got up from his chair, went over to the door, closed it then came back and sat down. He leaned across the desk and said in a low voice, "How much do you want it to be?" He got the job.

What's the definition of an accountant?

Someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in a way you don't understand.

What's the definition of a good tax accountant?

Someone who has a loophole named after him.

When does a person decide to become an accountant?

When he realizes he doesn't have the charisma to succeed as an undertaker.

What does an accountant use for birth control?

His personality.

What's an extroverted accountant?

One who looks at your shoes while he's talking to you instead of his own.

What's an auditor?

Someone who arrives after the battle and bayonets all the wounded.

Why did the auditor cross the road?

Because he looked in the file and that's what they did last year.

How do you drive an accountant completely insane?

Tie him to a chair, stand in front of him and fold up a roadmap the Wrong way.

What's the most wicked thing a group of young accountants can do?

Go into town and gang-audit someone.

What do accountants suffer from that ordinary people don't?

Depreciation.

And finally...

An accountant is having a hard time sleeping and goes to see his doctor. "Doctor, I just can't get to sleep at night."

"Have you tried Counting sheep?"

"That's the problem - I make a mistake and then spend three hours trying to find it"

 

A bloke is absolutely obsessed with Wasps.

He knows everything there is to know about each species, their breeding patterns, what they eat etc...

One evening he's on the Internet and he discovers that there used to be a record available of Wasp sounds.

So he jots down the details and goes round all the Collector Record Shops to see if he can find a copy, but to no avail.

Eventually, he ventures into a small shop and, expecting the answer to be another "No," he asks the owner if he has it.

"Actually, I do!" says the owner, so he goes into the back, and after a few minutes he returns with a very dusty covered album.

"Could I have a listen before I buy it?" asks the very excited expert.

"Certainly," says the Shop Owner and he places the record on the turntable and plays the first track...

"ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ"

Confused the expert says "I don't recognise that species, can you put it on a couple of tracks?"

"ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ"

With a look of confusion, the expert says, "I don't recognise that species either, try another track..."

"ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ"

The expert, perplexed says "There must be something wrong with your turntable, as I don't recognise that species either!"

To which the Shop Owner looks at the turntable and immediately says "Sorry!










Sorry! My Fault!!! I was playing the Bee side.