Todays Joke Thread....

:rolleyes::rolleyes::rolleyes::rolleyes::rolleyes::rolleyes::rolleyes: drone.:D 02

 

Brill !!!!!!!!!!!!!:D

 

A priest, a Pentecostal preacher and a Rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of the University of Alabama in Tuscaloosa .They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.

One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go up to the Smokies, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.

Seven days later, they're all together to discuss the experience.

Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various bandages on his body and limbs, went first. 'Well,' he said, 'I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So, I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation.'

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In his best fire and brimstone oratory he claimed, 'WELL brothers, you KNOW that WE don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So right quick, I DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus.'

They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IV's and monitors running in and out of him. He was in bad shape. The rabbi looks up and says,

'Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start...'

 

:lol:

 

:lollol: :rotfl:

 

Haha Mike, they were great :D

 

A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl.

Although his english was far from perfect, they got along very well.

One day, he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he

could arrange a divorce for him.

The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the

circumstances, and asked him the following questions:

'Have you any grounds?'

'Yes, an acre and half, and nice little home.'

'No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?'

'It made of concrete.'

'I don't think you understand. Does either of you have a real

grudge?'

'No, we have carport, and not need one. '

'I mean. What are your relations like?'

'All my relations still in Poland '

'Is there any infidelity in your marriage?'

'We have hi-fidelity stereo, and good DVD player!'

'Does your wife beat you up?'

'No, I always up before her.'

'Is your wife a nagger?'

'No, she white.'

'Why do you want this divorce?'

'She going to kill me!'

'What makes you think that?'

'I got proof!'

'What kind of proof?'

'She going to poison me! She buy a bottle at drugstore, and

put on shelf in bathroom.



I can read, and it say:

'Polish Remover'

 

GORDON BROWN was visiting a primary school and he visited one of the classes. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asked Mr. BROWN if he would like to lead the discussion on the word 'tragedy'.

So the illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a 'tragedy'.

A little boy stood up and offered: 'If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field & a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a 'tragedy.'

No, said GORDON - that would be an accident.'

A little girl raised her hand: 'If a school bus carrying fifty children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy'

I'm afraid not, explained GORDON - that's what we would call great loss'

The room went silent. No other children volunteered, GORDON searched the room. 'Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?'

Finally, at the back of the room, little Johnny raised his hand...

In a quiet voice he said: 'If a plane carrying you and MR. DARLING was struck by a 'friendly fire' missile & blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy.'

'Fantastic!' exclaimed GORDON. 'That's right. And can you tell me why that would be tragedy?'

'Well,' says little Johnny 'it has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be an accident either!

 

Very good Mike. We have a Polish shop in our town and whenever we drive past it I always ask if we need any polish for our shoes. Cue no laughter and a few groans

 

Guts or Balls...

There is a medical distinction. We've all heard about people having guts or balls, but do you really
know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definitions are listed below:

GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the boys, being met by your wife with a broom, and
having the guts to ask: ''Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?''

BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the boys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on
your collar, slapping your wife on the bottom and having the balls to say: ''You're next, fatty.''

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.
Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome, since both ultimately result in death.


:flag:

 

Gentlemen:

It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.

My name is Jim. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Peggy. When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Peggy to get a full-time job along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age . I usually get home from the golf club about the same time she gets home from work.

Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner; I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club so eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home-cooked grub when I hit that door. She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.

Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much.

I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points.

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the yard. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Peggy. I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.

Signed,
Jim

EDITOR'S NOTE: Jim died suddenly on Feb 27 of a perforated rectum. The police report says he was found with a Calloway extra long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip showing and a sledge hammer laying nearby. His wife Peggy was arrested and charged with murder. The all-woman jury took only 15 minutes to find her Not Guilty, accepting her defence that Jim somehow, without looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club.

 

You may have seen this before but I still think it's a hoot!

When a light is seen in their path, the admiral gets on the radio and says "Unidentified water craft, change heading to 144 to avoid collision."

The radio hums back, "Negative, Navy destroyer, this is Coast Guard Maritime unit 25. Please change course to 255 to avoid collision."

"Who in the h*ll does this wanna-be Navy man Coast Guard punk think he is?!" roars the Admiral then says to the other party "Coast Guard unit 25... be advised... we move for no one. We will run you out of our way if need be. Now, turn 144 to avoid collision! WE ARE A Navy DESTROYER...OVER!"

The radio crackles back. "Roger that, understand you're a destroyer. We're a lighthouse. Your call, over."

 

Love It & hadn't heard it before :lollol: :rotfl::rotfl:

 

I've heard that one before too, but it will never get old :D

 

Marriage Guidance






A husband wrote the following letter for his wife and left it on the
dining room table:

'To My Dear Wife. You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 54 years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you I value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year old Secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel.
Please don't be upset - I shall be home before midnight .'

When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on the dining room table:

'My Dear Husband. I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 54 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old. As you know, I am a maths teacher at our local college. I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Marriot Hotel with Michael, one of my students. He is young, virile, and like your Secretary, is 18 years old. As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of Maths, you will understand that although it may appear that we are in the same situation, there is one mathematical difference:

'18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18.'

Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow,'