Todays Joke Thread....

A man in Scotland calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says, 'I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.'

'Dad, what are you talking about?' the son screams.

' We can't stand the sight of each other any longer,' the father says.

'We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her.'

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. 'Like hell they're getting divorced,' she shouts, 'I'll take care of this,'

She calls Scotland immediately, and screams at her father, 'You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?' and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. 'Okay,' he says, 'they're coming for Christmas and they're paying their own way.'

 

Why do men die first? This is a question that has gone unanswered for centuries, but, now we know. It requires a bit of explanation, first:

If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race . you're a male chauvinist. If you stay home and do the housework ... you're a pansy.

If you work too hard ... there's never any time for her. If you don't work enough ..... you're a good-for-nothing bum.

If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay ... this is exploitation. If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay ..... you should get off your lazy behind and find something better.

If you get a promotion ahead of her ... that is favoritism. If she gets a job ahead of you ..... its equal opportunity.

If you mention how nice she looks ... its sexual harassment. If you keep quiet ..... its male indifference.

If you cry . you're a wimp. If you don't ..... you're an insensitive b@stard.

If you make a decision without consulting her ...... you're a chauvinist. If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman.

If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy ... that's domination. If SHE asks you ... it's a favour.

If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear ..... you're a pervert. If you don't ... you're gay.

If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape ... you're sexist. If you don't ... you're unromantic.

If you try to keep yourself in shape ..... you're vain. If you don't ... you're a slob.

If you buy her flowers ... you're after something. If you don't ... you're not thoughtful.

If you're proud of your achievements ... you're full of yourself. If you don't ... you're not ambitious.

If she has a headache ... she's tired. If you have a headache ..... you don't love her anymore.

If you want it too often ... you're oversexed. If you don't ... there must be someone else.


Why do men die first?

Because they want to.

 

Don'teat chicken sandwiches, no matter what.....

A little boy and a little girl attended the same school and became friends.
Every day they would sit together to eat their lunch.
They discovered that they both Brought chicken sandwiches every day! This went on
all through the fourth and fifth Grades, until one day he noticed that her sandwich wasn't a chicken sandwich.
He said, 'Hey, how come you're not eating chicken, don't you like it anymore?'
She said 'I love it but I have to stop eating it.'
' Why?' he asked.
She pointed to her lap and said 'Cause I'm starting to grow little feathers down there!'
'Let me see' he said.'Okay' and she pulled up her skirt.
He looked and said, 'That's right. You are! Better not eat any more chicken.'
He kept eating his chicken sandwiches until one day he brought peanut butter. He said To the little girl,
'I have to stop eating chicken sandwiches, I'm starting to get feathers Down there too!'
She asked if she could look, so he pulled down his pants for her!
She said

'Oh, my Goodness, it's too late for you! You've already got the NECK and GIBLETS!!!

 

@ Moyra, the pics ain't showing, looks like you're trying to link to files on your own PC, that don't work, you need to upload to a file hosting site.

 

Thanks Mike, are you saying I have to upload the whole thing like a photo to photobucket and then transfer it all. I tried to delete the pictures but it wouldn't let me. I guess as I took it from an e-mail I should have put it to forward deleted the pics then uploaded to here........

 

This is aletter sent to a man named Ryan DeVries by the Michigan Department of Environmental Quality, State of Michigan.

Read the State's letter before you get to the response letter.

SUBJECT: DEQ File No.97-59-0023-T11N R10W, Sec. 20 Montcalm County

Dear Mr. DeVries:

It has come to the attention of the Department of Environmental Quality that there has been recent unauthorized activity on the above referenced parcel of property. You have been certified as the legal landowner and/or contractor who did the following unauthorized activity:

Construction and maintenance of two wood debris dams across the outlet stream of Spring Pond.

A permit must be issued prior to the start of this type of activity. A review of the Department's files shows that no permits have been issued. Therefore, the Department has determined that this activity is in violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws, annotated.

The Department has been informed that one or both of the dams partially failed during a recent rain event, causing debris and flooding at downstream locations. We find that dams of this nature are inherently hazardous and cannot be permitted. The Department therefore orders you to cease and desist all activities at this location, and to restore the stream to a free-flow condition by removing all wood and brush forming the dams from the stream channel. All restoration work shall be completed no later than January 31, 2002.

Please notify this office when the restoration has been completed so that a follow-up site inspection may be scheduled by our staff. Failure to comply with this request or any further unauthorized activity on the site may result in this case being referred for elevated enforcement action.

We anticipate and would appreciate your full cooperation in this matter. Please feel free to contact me at this office if you have any questions.

Sincerely,

David L. Price

District Representative Land and Water Management Division



--------- Here's the response: ---------



Dear Mr. Price,

Re: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023 T11N R10W, Sec. 20 Montcalm County.

Your certified letter dated 12/17/01 has been handed to me to respond to. I am the legal landowner but not the Contractor at 2088 Dagget, Pierson, Michigan.

A couple of beavers are in the (State unauthorized) process of constructing and maintaining two wood debris dams across the outlet stream of my Spring Pond. While I did not pay for, authorize, nor supervise their dam project, I think they would be highly offended that you call their skillful use of natures building materials "debris". I would like to challenge your department to attempt to emulate their dam project any time and/or any place you choose. I believe I can safely state there is no way you could ever match their dam skills, their dam resourcefulness, their dam ingenuity, their dam persistence, their dam determination and/or their dam work ethic.

As to your request, I do not think the beavers are aware that they must first fill out a dam permit prior to the start of this type of dam activity. My first dam question to you is: (1) Are you trying to discriminate against my Spring Pond Beavers or (2) do you require all beavers throughout this State to conform to said dam request? If you are not discriminating against these particular beavers, through the Freedom of Information Act, I request completed copies of all those other applicable beaver dam permits that have been issued. Perhaps we will see if there really is a dam violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws, annotated.

I have several concerns. My first concern is -- aren't the beavers entitled to legal representation? The Spring Pond Beavers are financially destitute and are unable to pay for said representation-so the State will have to provide them with a dam lawyer. The Department's dam concern that either one or both of the dams failed during a recent rain event causing flooding is proof that this is a natural occurrence, which the Department is required to protect. In other words, we should leave the Spring Pond Beavers alone rather than harassing them and calling their dam names. If you want the stream "restored" to a dam free-flow condition please contact the beavers -- if you are going to arrest them, they obviously did not pay any attention to your dam letter they being unable to read English.

In my humble opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have a right to build their unauthorized dams as long as the sky is blue, the grass is green and water flows downstream. They have more dam rights than I do to live and enjoy Spring Pond. If the Department of Natural Resources and Environmental Protection lives up to its name, it should protect the natural resources (Beavers) and the environment (Beavers' Dams). So, as far as the beavers and I are concerned, this dam case can be referred for more elevated enforcement action right now. Why wait until 31/ 1/ 2002? The Spring Pond Beavers may be under the dam ice then and there will be no way for you or your dam staff to contact/harass them then.

In conclusion, I would like to bring to your attention to a real environmental quality (health) problem in the area. It is the bears! Bears are actually defecating in our woods. I definitely believe you should be persecuting the defecating bears and leave the beavers alone. If you are going to investigate the beaver dam, watch your step! (The bears are not careful where they dump.) Being unable to comply with your dam request, and being unable to contact you on your dam answering machine, I am sending this response to your dam office.


======================

Steve...:lollol:

 

moyra I love the 54 and 18 joke :D

 

Thanks Plant, I must say I did too!

 

[FONT=Tahoma,Helvetica,Sans-Serif]An elderly couple, Margaret and Bert, are in Alberta. [/FONT][FONT=Tahoma,Helvetica,Sans-Serif]Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, wears them home, walking proudly.[/FONT]

He walks into the house and says to his wife, 'Notice anything different about me?'
[FONT=Tahoma,Helvetica,Sans-Serif][/FONT]
[FONT=Tahoma,Helvetica,Sans-Serif]Margaret looks him over, 'Nope.'[/FONT]
[FONT=Tahoma,Helvetica,Sans-Serif][/FONT]
[FONT=Tahoma,Helvetica,Sans-Serif]Frustrated Bert storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked except for the boots.
[/FONT]
[FONT=Tahoma,Helvetica,Sans-Serif]Again, he asks, a little louder this time, 'Notice anything different NOW?'[/FONT]

Margaret looks up and says,
'Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, and it'll be hanging down again tomorrow.'

Furious, Bert yells, ' AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN MARGARET?'
[FONT=Tahoma,Helvetica,Sans-Serif][/FONT]
[FONT=Tahoma,Helvetica,Sans-Serif]'Nope,' she replies.[/FONT]
[FONT=Tahoma,Helvetica,Sans-Serif][/FONT]
[FONT=Tahoma,Helvetica,Sans-Serif]'IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!!'[/FONT]

To which Margaret replies... 'Shoulda bought a hat Bert. Shoulda bought a hat.'

 

Whats the difference between a wife and a girlfriend??..............................about 4 stone!!:rotfl: 02

 

How can you tell when a man is well hung??..............................when you can't get your finger between the rope and his neck!!!:rotfl: 02

 

I think there are some people in teaching who often give more than 100%. See below for the equation that proofs this fact!



This comes from 2 math teachers with a combined total of 70 yrs. Experience.

Here is a little something someone sent me that is indisputable mathematical logic. It also made me Laugh Out Loud.

This is a strictly mathematical viewpoint...it goes like this:

What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more e than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

Is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%


And


K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But ,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will l take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, its the Bull**** and Ass kissing that will put you over the top.



REMEMBER SOME PEOPLE ARE
ALIVE SIMPLY BECAUSE IT IS
ILLEGAL TO SHOOT THEM

 

Love it mike:rotfl:

 

After getting all of Pope Benedict's luggage loaded into
the limo, and He doesn't travel light, the driver notices
that the Pope is still standing on the curb

'Excuse me, Your Holiness,' says the driver,

'Would you please take your seat so we can leave?'

'Well, to tell you the truth,' says the Pope, 'they never let me drive
at the Vatican , and I'd really like to drive today.'

'I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job!
And what if something should happen?' protests the driver, wishing he'd
never gone to work that morning.

'There might be something extra in it for you,' says
the Pope.

Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind
the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting
the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph.

'Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!' pleads the worried driver, but the
Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens. 'Oh, dear God,
I'm gonna lose my license,' moans the driver.

The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but
the cop takes one look at him, goes Back to his motorcycle, and gets on
the radio.

'I need to talk to the Chief,' he says to the dispatcher.

The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a
limo going a hundred and five.

'So bust him,' says the Chief.

'I don't think we want to do that - he's really important,' said the
cop.

The Chief exclaimed, 'All the more reason!'

'No, I mean really important,' said the cop.

The Chief then asked, 'Who have you got there, the Mayor?'

Cop: 'Bigger.'

Chief: 'Governor?'

Cop: 'Bigger.'

'Well,' said the Chief, 'Who is it?'

Cop: 'I think it's God!'

Chief: 'What makes you think it's God?'













...................keep going..........................

























Cop: 'He's got the f***ing Pope as a chauffeur!'

 

That has just had me laughing my head off-classic