Todays Joke Thread....

Very good Shiney.

 

A modern day cowboy has spent many days crossing the Texas plains without
water. His horse has already died of thirst. He's crawling through the sand,
certain that he has breathed his last breath, when all of a sudden he sees
an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him.

He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks
to be an old briefcase. He opens it and out pops a genie. But this is no
ordinary genie. She is wearing a FEMA (Federal Emergency Management Agency)
ID badge and a dull gray dress. There's a calculator in her pocketbook. She
has a pencil tucked behind one ear. 'Well, cowboy,' says the genie, 'You
know how I work. You have three wishes.'


'I'm not falling for this.' said the cowboy. 'I'm not going to trust a FEMA
genie.'

'What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and it looks like
you're a goner anyway!'

The cowboy thinks about this for a minute, and decides the genie is right.
'OK! I wish I were in a lush oasis with plenty of food and drink.'

***POOF***

The cowboy finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen, and
he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.

'OK, cowpoke, what's your second wish.'

'My second wish is that I was rich beyond my wildest dreams.'

***POOF***

The cowboy finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold
coins and precious gems.

'OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!'

After thinking for a few minutes, the cowboy says, 'I wish that no matter
where I go, beautiful women will want and need me.'

***POOF***

He was turned into a tampon.

The moral of the story: If the government offers you anything, there's going
to be a string attached.

 

Why Parents Drink

The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees was absent but had not phoned in sick one day. Needing to have an urgent problem with one of the main computers resolved, he dialled the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper. ' Hello ? '

'Is your daddy home?' he asked.

' Yes ,' whispered the small voice.
May I talk with him?'

The child whispered, ' No .'

Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, 'Is your Mummy there?' ' Yes '

'May I talk with her?' Again the small voice whispered, ' No '

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, 'Is anybody else there?'

' Yes , ' whispered the child, ' a policeman . '

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, 'May I speak with the policeman?'

' No, he's busy , ' whispered the child.

'Busy doing what?'

' Talking to Daddy and Mummy and the Fireman , ' came the whispered answer.

Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, 'What is that noise?'

' A helicopter ' answered the whispering voice.

'What is going on there?' demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive. Again, whispering, the child answered,

' The search team just landed a helicopter '

Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, 'What are they searching for?'

Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle...

' ME . '

 

:wink: 02

 

The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex.

Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the family's status, she consulted the family doctor.

The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful
and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in
rebellion.


He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth
control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of
condoms.

Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date,
the woman told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms.

The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother saying: 'Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Julie!'

 

A man went to church one day and afterward he stopped to shake the preacher's hand ... He said 'Preacher, I'll tell you, that was a damned fine sermon. Damned good!'

The preacher said, 'Thank you sir, but I'd rather you didn't use profanity.'

The man said, 'I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five thousand dollars in the offering plate!'

The preacher said, 'No s**t?'

 

Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor.

With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small member.

After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, 'Just feed him
pancakes. That should solve the problem.'

The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.

'Gee, Mom,' he exclaimed. 'For me?'

'Just take two,' Brenda replied. 'The rest are for your father.'

 

1. I am currently out of the office at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. Please be prepared for my mood.

2. You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all.

3. Sorry to have missed you, but I'm at the doctor's having my brain and heart removed so I can be promoted to our management team.

4. I will be unable to delete all the e-mails you send me until I return from holiday. Please be patient, and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.

5. Thank you for your e-mail. Your credit card has been charged £5.99 for the first 10 words and £1.99 for each additional word in your message.

6. The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection. Your message has not been delivered. Please restart your computer and try sending again.
(The beauty of this is that when you return, you can see who did this over and over and over....)

7. Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.

8. Hi, I'm thinking about what you've just sent me. Please wait by your PC for my response.

9. I've run away to join a different circus.

10. I will be out of the office for the next two weeks for medical reasons. When I return, please refer to me as 'Lucille' instead of Steve.

 

A woman from New York was driving through a remote part of
Arizona when her car broke down.

An American Indian on horseback came along and offered her
a ride to a nearby town. She climbed up behind him on the horse and
they rode off.
The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes the
Indian would let out a'Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a' so loud that it
echoed from them surrounding hills.


When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local
service station, yelled one final 'Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!' and
rode off.

'What did you do to get that Indian so excited?'
asked the service-station attendant. 'Nothing,'the woman
answered.

'I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms
around his waist, and held onto the saddle horn so I wouldn't fall
off.'


'Lady,' the attendant said, 'Indians don't use saddles.

 

A man went into the Doctor's with a steering wheel down his pants.

Doctor said: "What happened"...

'Don't know, but it's driving me nuts!'

 

Following the problems in the sub-prime lending market in America and the run on HBOS in the UK, uncertainty has now hit Japan.

In the last 7 hours Origami Bank has folded, Sumo Bank has gone belly up and Bonsai Bank announced plans to cut some of its branches.

Yesterday, it was announced that Karaoke Bank is up for sale and will likely go for a song, while today shares in Kamikaze Bank were suspended after they nose-dived.

Samurai Bank is soldiering on following sharp cutbacks, Ninja Bank is reported to have taken a hit, but they remain in the black.

Furthermore, 500 staff at Karate Bank got the chop and analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank where it is feared that staff may get a raw deal......

Steve...:lollol:

 

Whats the Capital of Iceland?
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Around £4.50

Steve...:lollol: