Todays Joke Thread....

Good one Mikkel :hehe:


This is for all the germ conscious folks that worry about using cold water to clean.
Can Cold Water Clean Dishes?


John went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded, rural area of Saskatchewan ..

After spending a great evening chatting the night
away, John's grandfather prepared breakfast of bacon, eggs and toast.

However, John noticed a film like substance on his plate, and questioned his grandfather asking,
'Are these plates clean?'
His grandfather replied,
'They're as clean as cold water can get em. Just you go ahead and finish your meal, Sonny!'

For lunch the old man made hamburgers.Again, John was concerned about the plates as his
appeared to have tiny specks around the edge that looked like dried egg and asked,
'Are you sure these plates are clean?' Without looking up the old man said, 'I told you before,
Sonny, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them. Now don't you fret,
I don't want to hear another word about it!'
Later that afternoon, John was on his way to a nearby town and as he was leaving, his grandfather's dog
started to growl, and wouldn't let him pass. John yelled and said, 'Grandfather, your dog won't let me get to my car'.

Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching on TV, the old man shouted,
'Coldwater, go lay down now, yah hear me!'

Meet Coldwater............ ..............................................................................

:D

 

My neighbour,Miss Tess Smith was married last Saturday to Ernest Tickle. :lollol:

 

Paranoid....Santa Claus is Coming to Town..to get me.:hehe:

When I worked in london I fell in love with Gloria Stits our office PA.:wink:

 

:D:D:D Everyone..

Pal..BM It took a while :p

 

Why I fired my Secretary.

Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning.

I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, 'Happy Birthday!' and possibly have a small present for me.

As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone 'Happy Birthday.'

I thought...

Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids... They will remember.

My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said, 'Good Morning Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday! 'It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.

I worked until one o'clock, when Jane knocked on my door and said, 'You know, It's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your Birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me.' I said, 'Thanks, Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day.
Let's go!'

We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go.
She chose instead at a quiet bistro with a private table. We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.

On the way back to the office, Jane said, 'You know, It's such a beautiful day... We don't need to go straight back to the office, Do We?'

I responded, 'I guess not. What do you have in mind?'
She said, 'Let's drop by my apartment; it's just around the corner.'
After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said, 'Boss, if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back.'
'Ok.' I nervously replied.

She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake .... Followed by my wife,
my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing 'Happy Birthday'.


And I just sat there...



On the couch...



Naked.
:yho:

 

Before his 2001 inauguration, George Bush was invited to a get acquainted with a tour of the White House.

After drinking several glasses of iced tea, he asked Bill Clinton if he could use his personal bathroom.

When he entered Clinton's personal bathroom, he was astonished to see that President Clinton had a solid gold urinal.

That afternoon, George told his wife, Laura, about the urinal. 'Just think,' he said, 'when I am president, I could have a gold urinal too.

But I wouldn't do something that self-indulgent!'

Later when Laura had lunch with Hillary at her tour of the White House, she told Hillary how impressed George had been at his discovery of the fact that, in the President's private bathroom, the President had a gold urinal.

That evening, when Bill and Hillary were getting ready for bed, Hillary smiled, and said to Bill . . . "I found out who pi**ed in your Saxophone."
:hehe:

 

Received from Oz today.

An Aboriginal man in Alice Springs goes to the doctor with a problem - he just can't stop jogging or stand still !
Hey white doctor says the Blackman. What ya think is makin me run all over the place. It's to puckin hot for dat ****.
The doctor says It's got me beat but hey I might have a cure.
The doctor puts two rows of white powder on his desk and tells the Abo to snort them.
The black man does as the doctor asks and immediately stops jogging up and down and stands dead still.
'Puck me drunk it worked. Is that cocaine?' he asks the doctor.
'No' the doctor replies. 'It's Omo - guaranteed to stop coloureds from running!!'
:yho:

 

The French President is sitting in his office when his telephone rings.

'Hallo, Mr. Sarkozy!' a heavily accented voice said. 'This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Clare, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you! We voted to reject the Lisbon treaty!'

'Well, Paddy,' Sarkozy replied, 'This is indeed important news! How big is your army?'

'Right now,' says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, 'there is myself, me Cousin Sean, me next door neighbour Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes eleven!'

Sarkozy paused. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army waiting to move on my command.'

'Begoora!' says Paddy. 'I'll have to ring you back.'

Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again. 'Mr. Sarkozy, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!'

'And what equipment would that be Paddy?' Sarkozy asks.
'Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor.'

Sarkozy sighs amused. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armoured personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to 150,000 since we last spoke.'

'Saints preserve us!' says Paddy. 'I'll have to get back to you.'

Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. 'Mr. Sarkozy, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well!'

Sarkozy was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000!'

'Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!' says Paddy, 'I will have to ring you back.'

Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. 'Top o' the mornin', Mr. Sarkozy! I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war.'

'Really? I am sorry to hear that,' says Sarkozy. 'Why the sudden change of heart?'

'Well,' says Paddy, 'we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness and packets of crisps, and we decided there is no fookin' way we can feed 200,000 prisoners.'

 

Bob Hill and his new wife Betty were holidaying in Europe in Transylvania. They were driving in a rental car along a rather deserted highway. It was late and raining very hard. Bob could barely see the road in front of the car. Suddenly the car skids out of control! Bob attempts to control the car, but to no avail! The car swerves and smashes into a tree.

Moments later, Bob shakes his head to clear the fog. Dazed, he looks over at the passenger seat and sees his wife unconscious, her head bleeding! Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside, Bob knows he has to get her medical assistance.

Bob carefully picks his wife up and begins trudging down the road. After a short while, he sees a light. He heads towards the light, which is coming from a large, old house. He approaches the door and knocks.

A minute passes. A small, hunched man opens the door. Bob immediately blurts, "Hello, my name is Bob Hill, and this is my wife Betty. We've been in a terrible accident, and my wife has been seriously hurt. Can I please use your phone?"

"I'm sorry," replied the hunchback, "we don't have a phone but my master is a doctor. Come in and I will get him!" Bob brings his wife in.

An older man comes down the stairs. "I'm afraid my assistant may have misled you. I am not a medical doctor. I am a scientist. However, it is many miles to the nearest clinic, and I have had a basic medical training. I will see what I can do. Igor, bring them down to the laboratory."

With that, Igor picks up Betty and carries her downstairs, with Bob following closely. Igor places Betty on a table in the lab. Bob collapses from exhaustion and his own injuries, so Igor places Bob on an adjoining table.

After a brief examination, Igor's master looks worried. "Things are serious, Igor. Prepare a transfusion." Igor and his master work feverishly, but to no avail.

Igor's master is greatly upset. Wearily, he climbs the steps to his conservatory, which houses his grand piano. For it is here that he has always found solace. He begins to play, and a stirring, almost haunting melody fills the house.

Meanwhile, Igor is still in the lab tidying up. His eyes catch movement, and he notices the fingers on Betty's hand twitch, keeping time to the haunting piano music. Stunned, he watches as Bob's arm begins to rise, marking the beat! He is further amazed as Betty and Bob both sit up straight!

Unable to contain himself, he dashes up the stairs to the conservatory. He bursts in and shouts to his master: "Master, Master!! The Hills are alive... with the sound of music!"
:hehe:

 

ELDERLY LADIES

Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch, doing nothing.
One lady turns and asks, "Do you still get horny?"
The other replies, "Oh sure I do."
The first old lady asks, "What do you do about it?"
The second old lady replies, "I suck a lifesaver."
After a few moments, the first old lady asks,
"Who drives you to the beach?"

_____________________


An old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat on tightly so that it would not blow off in the wind.
A gentleman approached her and said: "Pardon me, madam. I do not intend to be forward, but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?" "Yes, I know," said the lady, "I need both hands to hold onto this hat." "But, madam, you must know that your privates are exposed!" said the gentleman in earnest. The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied, "Sir, anything you see down there is 85 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday!"

____________________


Three old ladies were sitting side by side in their retirement home reminiscing.
The first lady recalled shopping at the green grocers and demonstrated with her hands, the length and thickness of a cucumber she could buy for a penny.
The second old lady nodded, adding that onions used to be much bigger and cheaper also, and demonstrated the size of two big onions she could buy for a penny a piece.
The third old lady remarked, "I can't hear a word you're saying, but I remember the guy you're talking about."

____________________


Two elderly women were out driving in a large car. Both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, "I must be losing it! I could have sworn we just went through a red light."
After a few more minutes they came to another intersection. The light was red, and again they went right through. This time, the passenger was almost sure that the light had been red, but was also concerned that she might be seeing things... She was getting nervous and decided to pay close attention.
At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they blew right through it. She turned to the other woman and said,
"Mildred! Did you know that you ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us!"
Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh Sh*t....! Am I driving..?"

:yho:

 

> Tommy Cooper Jokes
>
> I went to see a friend with her new baby last night, she asked me if I
> wanted to wind it.
> I thought that was a bit harsh, so I just gave it a Dead-Leg
>
>
> --------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> Two Aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married
>
> The ceremony was rubbish but the Reception was Brilliant.
>
> --------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> Man goes to the docs, with a strawberry growing out of his head.
>
> Doc says, 'I'll give you some cream to put on it.'
>
> --------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> 'Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home.'
>
> 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.'
>
> 'Is it common?'
>
> 'It's not unusual.'
>
> -------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.
>
> 'My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?'
>
> 'Well,' says the vet, 'let's have a look at him'
>
> So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
>
> Finally, he says, 'I'm going to have to put him down.'
>
> 'What? Because he's cross-eyed? '
>
> 'No, because he's really heavy'
>
> --------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> 'Doctor, I can't pronounce my F's, T's and H's.'
>
> 'Well you can't say fairer than that then'
>
> ------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> Two elephants walk off a cliff...... boom boom!
>
> -------------------------------------------------------------------
> So I went to the dentist.
>
> He said 'Say Aaah.'
>
> I said 'Why?'
>
> He said 'My dog's died.'
> -------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said
> 'Who's speaking please?'
>
> And a voice said 'You are.'
> -------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> So I rang up my local swimming baths.
> I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?'
>
> He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'
> -------------------------------------------------------------------
> So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my
> house.'
>
>
> He said 'I'm not stopping you.'
> -------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5
> people in my family, so it must be one of them.
>
> It's either my mum or my dad.
> Or my older brother Colin.
> Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu.
>
> But I think it's Colin.
>
> -------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and
> he said 'You've been promoted.'
>
> And I swerved.
>
> And then he rang up a second time and said 'You've been promoted again.'
>
> And I swerved again.
>
> He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.'
>
> And I went into a tree.
>
> And a policeman came up and said
>
> 'What happened to you?'
> And I said 'I careered off the road.'
>
> -------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> Now, most dentists' chairs go up and down, don't they?
> The one I was in went back and forwards.
>
> I thought 'This is unusual'. And the dentist said to me, 'Mr. Cooper,
> get out of the filing cabinet.'
>
> -------------------------------------------------------------------
> So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give
> me a lift?'
>
> I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'
> -------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> Two cannibals eating a clown. One says to the other
>
> 'Does this taste funny to you?'
>
> -------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and
> the other was eating fireworks.
>
> They charged one and let the other one off.
>
> -------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They
> left a little note on the windscreen; it said 'Parking Fine.'
>
> So that was nice.
>
> -------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> A man walked into the doctors,
> The doctor said 'I haven't seen you in a long time'
> The man replied, 'I know I've been ill'
>
> ---------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> A man walked into the doctors, he said 'I've hurt my arm in several
> places'
>
> The doctor said, 'well don't go to those places'
>
> -------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> I had a ploughman's lunch the other day.
> He wasn't very happy.
>
> -------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find
> any.
>
> -------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> I bought some HP sauce the other day.
> It's costing me 6p a month for the next 2 years.
> -------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> Two blondes walk into a building..........you'd think at least one of
> them would have seen it.
>
> -------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> Phone answering machine message -
>
> '...If you want to buy marijuana.............press the hash key...'
>
> -------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he
> couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf.
>
> He said, 'No, the steaks are too high.'
>
> -------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli.
>
> A strong currant pulled him in.
>
> -------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> A man came round in hospital after a serious accident.
>
> He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!'
>
> The doctor replied, 'I know you can't, I've cut your arms off'.
>
> -------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.
>
> -------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly.
>
> They lit a fire in the craft. It sank, proving once and for all that
> you can't have your kayak and heat it.
>
> -------------------------------------------------------------------
> Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with
> hundreds and thousands.
>
> Police say that he topped himself.
> -------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other 'Your round.'
>
> The other one says 'So are you, you fat slob!'

 

I was sent this today and thought it was quite funny. I can't believe people really complain about these things.

Ridiculous Holiday complaints taken from research by Thomas Cook and ABTA.

1. A tourist at a top African game lodge overlooking a waterhole, who spotted a visibly aroused elephant, complained that the sight of this rampant beast ruined his honeymoon by making him feel "inadequate".

2. A woman threatened to call police after claiming that she’d been locked in by staff. When in fact, she had mistaken the “do not disturb” sign on the back of the door as a warning to remain in the room.

3. "The beach was too sandy."

4. A guest at a Novotel in Australia complained his soup was too thick and strong. He was inadvertently slurping the gravy at the time.

5. "Topless sunbathing on the beach should be banned. The holiday was ruined as my husband spent all day looking at other women."

6. "We bought 'Ray-Ban' sunglasses for five euros (£3.50) from a street trader, only to find out they were fake."

7. "No-one told us there would be fish in the sea. The children were startled."

8. "It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England it only took the Americans three hours to get home."

9. "My fiancé and I booked a twin-bedded room but we were placed in a double-bedded room. We now hold you responsible for the fact that I find myself pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put us in the room that we booked."

10. "I compared the size of our one-bedroom apartment to our friends' three-bedroom apartment and ours was significantly smaller."

11. "The brochure stated: 'No hairdressers at the accommodation'. We're trainee hairdressers - will we be OK staying here?"

12. "There are too many Spanish people. The receptionist speaks Spanish. The food is Spanish. Too many foreigners."

13. "We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure shows the sand as yellow but it was white."

14. "We had to queue outside with no air conditioning."

15. "It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests before we travel."

16. "I was bitten by a mosquito - no-one said they could bite."

17. "I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local store does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts."

18. "It's lazy of the local shopkeepers to close in the afternoons. I often needed to buy things during 'siesta' time - this should be banned."

19. "On my holiday to Goa in India, I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I don't like spicy food at all."

20. "We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to bring our swimming costumes and towels."

 

Walnut, I loved those ones. Real gigglers! Can just see Tommy Cooper standing there telling them,lol.

Redstar, these have not long been done, I think by Victoria but can't remember where. Unbelievable isn't it? At least it must have given the office staff a laugh.

cheers

 

I told my son the other day that I would Love to go abroad for a holiday, but there are already too many foreigners there.
:hehe: