Todays Joke Thread....

First time i have noticed this thread and that was sooooooooooo funny :gnthb::D

 

I like this one :lollol:

 

God and Grass - Isn't THIS the truth!

GOD :
Frank, you know all about gardens and nature. What in the world is going on down there on the planet? What happened to the dandelions, violets, thistle and stuff I started eons ago? I had a perfect no-maintenance garden plan. Those plants grow in any type of soil, withstand drought and multiply with abandon. The nectar from the long-lasting blossoms attracts butterflies, honey bees and flocks of songbirds. I expected to see a vast garden of colours by now. But, all I see are these green rectangles.

ST. FRANCIS:
It's the tribes that settled there, Lord. The Suburbanites. They started calling your flowers "weeds" and went to great lengths to kill them and replace them with grass.

GOD :
Grass? But, it's so boring. It's not colourful. It doesn't attract butterflies, birds and bees; only grubs and sod worms. It's sensitive to temperatures. Do these Suburbanites really want all that grass growing there?

ST. FRANCIS :
Apparently so, Lord. They go to great pains to grow it and keep it green. They begin each spring by fertilizing grass and poisoning any other plant that crops up in the lawn.

GOD :
The spring rains and warm weather probably make grass grow really fast. That must make the Suburbanites happy.

ST. FRANCIS :
Apparently not, Lord. As soon as it grows a little, they cut it - sometimes twice a week.

GOD :
They cut it? Do they then bale it like hay?

ST. FRANCIS :
Not exactly, Lord. Most of them rake it up and put it in bags.

GOD :
They bag it? Why? Is it a cash crop? Do they sell it?

ST. FRANCIS :
No, Sir, just the opposite. They pay to throw it away.

GOD :
Now, let me get this straight. They fertilize grass so it will grow. And, when it does grow, they cut it off and pay to throw it away?

ST. FRANCIS :
Yes, Sir.

GOD :
These Suburbanites must be relieved in the summer when we cut back on the rain and turn up the heat. That surely slows the growth and saves them a lot of work.

ST. FRANCIS :
You aren't going to believe this, Lord. When the grass stops growing so fast, they drag out hoses and pay more money to water it, so they can continue to mow it and pay to get rid of it.

GOD :
What nonsense. At least they kept some of the trees. That was a sheer stroke of genius, if I do say so myself. The trees grow leaves in the spring to provide beauty and shade in the summer. In the autumn, they fall to the ground and form a natural blanket to keep moisture in the soil and protect the trees and bushes. It's a natural cycle of life.

ST. FRANCIS :
You better sit down, Lord. The Suburbanites have drawn a new circle. As soon as the leaves fall, they rake them into great piles and pay to have them hauled away.

GOD :
No! What do they do to protect the shrub and tree roots in the winter to keep the soil moist and loose?

ST. FRANCIS :
After throwing away the leaves, they go out and buy something which they call mulch. They haul it home and spread it around in place of the leaves.

GOD :
And where do they get this mulch?

ST. FRANCIS :
They cut down trees and grind them up to make the mulch.

GOD :
Enough! I don't want to think about this anymore.

St. Catherine, you're in charge of the arts. What movie have you scheduled for us tonight?

ST. CATHERINE :
"Dumb and Dumber", Lord. It's a story about....

GOD :
Never mind, I think I just heard the whole story from St. Francis.

 

:lollol::lollol:Very very good, walnut.

Loofah, what can I say:hehe::hehe:

cheers

 

In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also call Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.
The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin.
Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.
Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mi xer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of 'cocktails', 'highballs' and just a good old-fashioned 'stiff drink'. Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.
Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

 

All good. Here's my contribution (blonde ladies I apologise in advance):

One cold winter morning, driving to work, a young blonde lady ended up stuck behind a slow moving lorry. Noticing something spilling out of it quite quickly, she thought she should try to alert the driver, but couldn't figure out how. Then as luck would have it, the next set of traffic lights turned red just as they approached. She quickly jumped out of her car as they waited at the lights, ran to the driver's cab and tapped on his window. The driver would the window down to ask what's up. "I thought you ought to know you're losing your load" she said. The driver didn't seem to care and when the lights changed he just drove on. The girl jumped back in the car and continued her journey. As they approached the next set of lights she wondered if maybe the driver hadn't heard her over the noise of his engine, she must try again. Once again she ran to the cab while they were stopped and said "driver, you're losing your load, its all falling off the back as you go along", but once again the driver didn't seem to care. This happened several more times over the next few miles. Stopped again, and seeing the same lady running up to him in his wing mirror, he opened the door and got out to meet her. "Driver, I've been trying to tell you, your losing your load all over the road!", to which the driver replies "I'm driving a gritter".