Todays Joke Thread....

Discussion in 'The Muppet Show' started by Banana Man, Dec 4, 2007.

  1. daitheplant

    daitheplant Total Gardener

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    Moira, I know I`m inferior to women. [​IMG] And, that they are the more intelligent sex. [​IMG] And, if it was left up to women the world would be a much better place. [​IMG] And my wife has just cooked me some cornedbeef pasties, so I don`t mind admitting all my frailties. :D [​IMG]
     
  2. Gogs

    Gogs Gardener

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    An elderly man in North Carolina had owned a large farm for several years.
    He had a large pond in the back, fixed up really nice, along with some
    picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond
    was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.
    One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been
    there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to
    bring back some fruit.
    As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. When
    he came closer, he realized it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in
    his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the
    deep end to shield themselves.
    One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"
    The old man frowned and replied, "I didn't come
    down here to watch you
    ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked." Holding the bucket
    up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."

    Moral of the story: Old men may move slow but can still think fast.
     
  3. daitheplant

    daitheplant Total Gardener

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    Like I said Moira, I know I`m inferior to women, etc, etc, etc. :D :D [​IMG]
     
  4. Marley Farley

    Marley Farley Affable Admin! Staff Member

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    :D I thought this was brilliant & maybe a little true..!!!! :D



    The other day a young person asked me how I felt about being old. I was taken aback, for I do not think of myself as old. Upon seeing my reaction, she was immediately embarrassed, but I explained that it was an interesting question, and I would ponder it, and let her know.

    Old Age, I decided, is a gift.

    I am now, probably for the first time in my life, the person I have always wanted to be. Oh, not my body! I sometime despair over my body, the wrinkles, the baggy eyes, and the sagging butt. And often I am taken aback by that old person that lives in my mirror (who looks like my mother!), but I don't agonize over those things for long.


    I would never trade my amazing friends, my wonderful life, my loving family for less gray hair or a flatter belly. As I've aged, I've become more kind to myself, and less critical of myself. I've become my own friend. I don't chide myself for eating that extra cookie, or for not making my bed, or for buying that silly cement gecko that I didn't need, but looks so avante garde on my patio. I am entitled to a treat, to be messy, to be extravagant.

    I have seen too many dear friends leave this world too soon; before they understood the great freedom that comes with aging.

    Whose business is it if I choose to read or play on the computer until 4 AM and sleep until noon?


    I will dance with myself to those wonderful tunes of the 60&70's, and if I, at the same time, wish to weep over a lost love ... I will.


    I will walk the beach in a swim suit that is stretched over a bulging body, and will dive into the waves with abandon if I choose to, despite the pitying glances from the jet set.

    They, too, will get old.


    I know I am sometimes forgetful. But there again, some of life is just as well forgotten.. And I eventually remember the important things.


    Sure, over the years my heart has been broken. How can your heart not break when you lose a loved one, or when a child suffers, or even when somebody's beloved pet gets hit by a car? But broken hearts are what give us strength and understanding and compassion. A heart never broken is pristine and sterile and will never know the joy of being imperfect.


    I am so blessed to have lived long enough to have my hair turning gray, and to have my youthful laughs be forever etched into deep grooves on my face. So many have never laughed, and so many have died before their hair could turn silver.


    As you get older, it is easier to be positive. You care less about what other people think. I don't question myself anymore. I've even earned the right to be wrong.


    So, to answer your question, I like being old. It has set me free. I like the person I have become. I am not going to live f orever, but while I am still here, I will not waste time lamenting what could have been, or worrying about what will be. And I shall eat dessert every single day (If I feel like it) :D :D :D
     
  5. borrowers

    borrowers Gardener

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    Wow Marley, that's brilliant. i hope i feel like that one day. Where did you get it from?(I'm oldish, but don't feel anything like that 'missive'(?) )
    If i live that long i would like to think i would feel that way.
    Cheers
     
  6. Marley Farley

    Marley Farley Affable Admin! Staff Member

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  7. youngdaisydee

    youngdaisydee Gardener

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    I agree borrowers, Its brilliant Marley [​IMG]
     
  8. walnut

    walnut Gardener

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    What it means to be british
    Being British is about driving in a German car to an Irish pub for a Belgian beer, then travelling home, grabbing an Indian curry or a Turkish kebab on the way, to sit on Swedish furniture and watch American shows on a Japanese TV.

    And the most British thing of all? Suspicion of all things foreign!

    Only in Britain can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

    Only in Britain do supermarkets make sick people walk all the way to the back of the shop to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

    Only in Britain do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries and a DIET coke.

    Only in Britain do banks leave both doors open and chain the pens to the counters.

    Only in Britain do we leave cars worth thousands of pounds on the drive and lock our junk and cheap lawn mower in the garage.

    Only in Britain do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.

    Only in Britain are there disabled parking places in front of a skating rink.

    NOT TO MENTION..

    3 Brits die each year testing if a 9v battery works on their tongue.

    142 Brits were injured in 1999 by not removing all pins from new shirts.

    58 Brits are injured each year by using sharp knives instead of screwdrivers.

    31 Brits have died since 1996 by watering their Christmas tree while the fairy lights were plugged in.

    19 Brits have died in the last 3 years believing that Christmas decorations were chocolate.

    British Hospitals reported 4 broken arms last year after Xmas cracker-pulling accidents.

    18 Brits had serious burns in 2000 trying on a new jumper with a lit cigarette in their mouth.

    A massive 543 Brits were admitted to A&E in the last two years after trying to open bottles of beer with their teeth...

    5 Brits were injured last year in accidents involving out-of-control Scalextric cars.

    and finally...

    In 2000 eight Brits were admitted to hospital with fractured skulls incurred whilst throwing up into the toilet.
     
  9. dancing queen

    dancing queen Gardener

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  10. intermiplants

    intermiplants Gardener

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    :D :D :D wonder how many accidents are reported through people falling off the p c chair . must be a fair few :D :D
     
  11. Marley Farley

    Marley Farley Affable Admin! Staff Member

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    ;) A WOMAN was flying from Seattle to San Francisco . Unexpectedly, the plane was diverted to Sacramento along the way. The flight attendant explained that there would be a delay, and if the passengers wanted to get off the aircraft the plane would re-board in 50 minutes.

    Everybody got off the plane except one lady who was blind. The man had noticed her as he walked by and could tell the lady was blind because her Seeing Eye dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of her throughout the entire flight.

    He could also tell she had flown this very flight before because the pilot approached her, and calling her by name, said, "Kathy, we are in Sacramento for almost an hour. Would you like to get off and s tretch your legs?" The blind lady replied, "No thanks, but maybe Buddy would like to stretch his legs."

    Picture this:

    All the people in the gate area came to a complete standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with a Seeing Eye dog!

    The pilot was even wearing sunglasses. People scattered. They not only tried to change planes, but they were trying to change airlines!

    True story... Have a great day and remember...

    [​IMG]


    THINGS AREN'T ALWAYS AS THEY APPEAR.
    A DAY WITHOUT LAUGHTER IS A DAY WASTED!!! :D :D
     
  12. terrier

    terrier Gardener

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    HEALTH WARNING... DO NOT SWALLOW BUBBLEGUM...


    [​IMG]
     
  13. youngdaisydee

    youngdaisydee Gardener

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    Good one Marley, Hahaha..

    Terrier I wonder which ones Helen :D :D :D .
     
  14. terrier

    terrier Gardener

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    HE! He! I'm glad I didn't say that [​IMG]
     
  15. cajary

    cajary Gardener

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    Thanks, guys. I've had a cxxp day and needed this [​IMG]
     
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