Todays Joke Thread....

A woman wakes up in hospital after having a Vaginal tuck opperation,
On the windowsill were 3 bunches of flowers,
1 from her surgeon to say all went well.
1 from her husband to say I love You,
And 1 from tommy in the burns unit to say
Thanks for the new ears.. :eek:

 

I remember the most wonderful day in my life.

Dressed in my best suit I went to our local church, walked slowly down the aisle accompanied by my best mate.

Kissed my wife gently on the cheek.


.....................And closed the lid.


Sorry. Bad taste I know and so is this:-


Edna and Bob were sitting by the swimming pool in the secure psychiatric unit where they had been sent for life. Suddenly Bob fell in and sank straight to the bottom. Edna, without thinking dived in swam to the bottom grabbed Bob and rescued him.

The next day the senior consultant sent for Edna and said to her, 'Well Edna, I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that your actions yesterday show that you are cured and so we are releasing you. I'm afraid the bad news is that Bob has killed himself in the bathroom.'

' In the bathroom?' said Edna. 'Strange. That's where I hung him up to dry.' Sorry.

 

:D
Well done again all. Walnut yours from the 5th was spot on. I love jokes about the British, does that make me a self-racist??

Keep up the jokes everyone. Like Cajary said, this is great if you've had a bad day.

Cheers

 

No Borrowers that makes you a masochist :D

 

:D :D :D

 

THE GAY FLIGHT ATTENDANT
(This one is too funny to not forward.)


My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who
seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks.

As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and
told us that "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing
the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your
trays up, that would be super."

On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather
Arabic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me
over those big brute engines but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the
main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."

She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a
Princess and I take orders from no one."

To which (I swear) the flight attendant replied, without missing a
beat, "Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I
outrank you. Tray-up, Bitch."

 

Cat n Mouse . :confused:

 

Bill and Hillary's 40th Anniversary
Bill and Hillary were married 40 years. When they first got married Bill said, "I am putting a box under the bed. You must promise never to look in it." In all their 40 years of marriage Hillary never looked.

However, on the afternoon of their 40th anniversary curiosity got the best of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside. In the box were 3 empty beer cans and $1874.25 in cash. She closed the box and put it back under the bed. Now that she knew what was in the box, she was doubly curious as to why.

That evening they were out for a special dinner. After dinner Hillary could no longer contain her curiosity and she confessed, saying, "I am so sorry. For all these years I kept my promise and never looked into the box under our bed. However today the temptation was too much and I gave in. But now I need to know why do you keep the empty cans in the box?"

Bill thought for a while and said, "I guess after all these years you deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to you I put an empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again."

Hillary was shocked, but said, "I am very disappointed and saddened but I guess after all those years away from home on the road, temptation does happen and I guess that 3 times is not that bad considering the years."

They hugged and made their peace. A little while later Hillary asked Bill, "Why do you have all that money in the box?"

Bill answered, "Whenever the box filled with empties, I cashed them in."

 

:D :D

 

A married man left work early one Friday afternoon. Instead of going home, he spent the weekend (and his money) partying with the boys. When he finally returned home on Sunday night, His wife really got on his case and stayed on it.

After a couple of hours of swearing and screaming, his wife paused and pointed at him and made him an offer "How would you like it if you didn't see me for a couple of days?!?"

The husband couldn't believe his luck, so he looked up, smiled and said,

"That would suit me just fine!!"

Monday went by and the man didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday went by and he still didn't see her.

Come Thursday, the swelling had gone down a bit and he could see her a little, out of the corner of his left eye.

 

I've just sent that to Mr Juliasaurus as a warning...

 

:D :D